I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
