walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
