omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize