This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
