I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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