Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Let's get the cat blown out
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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