yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?