We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
