I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
