I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
