Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
