Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
