Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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