yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
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This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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