My friends, they love my intelligence
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
