She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
