Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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