Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
