Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
