flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
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He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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