I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My vagina is officially offended.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
