thus making me awesome and them whores
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
