I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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