You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.