I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
