I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
