At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
