I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
