just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
