Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
