The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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