Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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