Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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