hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize