im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
