You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
