This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
