woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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