I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
