he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
