I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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