it was like his penis was on wheels.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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