i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
