I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
