My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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