Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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