i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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