It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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