I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
