Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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