I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
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My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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