Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
